Just venting....

Can't sleep....I'm feeling so bad. A friend said I am fun loving....but am I really? All the windows in my life are shut. I feel a wave of combustion that is building like small tsunamis. Air, light, air. The essentials have disappeared. I want to slice open my chest with something sharp and long and show him the dark shadows that have all but strangled me into an eternal coma. I want to tell him that I am so unhappy I want to lie down and never get up. I want to tell him that I am going to slip and fall and tremble and then fall down again before I learn how to walk. My life and world have been filled with so many unspoken words that I think I should have choked to death on the high level of constipation.
I just ate a slice of cake....my wedge of sorrow must have taken several hours to put itself back in the place where it had been resting for so damned many years and I must have gone to that time-warp place where everything but your immediate emotions disappear. There were no pain, no sorrow and no loss of dreams. It was just this piece of velvety cake and me. Ahhhh one bite for my pain, another for my sorrow....consume calories today, I'll feel better tomorrow. :)

Childhood dreams

Tucked away behind years of life that have stacked up and blocked out the sun and my old list of dreams and the way I used to take my mat and fall asleep under a mango tree behind grandma's old house in the country is a memory of what I really wanted. This memory flashes to the front of my mind and for a second it seems as fresh and young as it did when I was 8 and the world stretched in front of me--endless and possible, wild, free and so forever.

I'm afraid that years of my life have been frozen in a parade of sameness and routine. I understand that we make our own choices every single moment. Happy or sad. Married or single. Alive or dead. Miserable or content. Succesful or not succesful. Your life choices have nothing, absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

A world of passion and light. That is what I crave. No schedules or routines that mix politely with the plans of the people in your life who have no consideration for what you need and want. I want to be free...dance naked at midnight with flames of fire or at the break of dawn when the air is fresh and hard. The light is perfect and there are miles of white sand. It is the glorious moment before day surrenders--hands in the air, clouds drifting fast--into the dark eyes of night. I take off my clothes. The music drifts in on the edges of night air, musty,wild, scented with the smell of coconuts. It is never loud, and surely I am the only woman in the world who hears it. I hear it and I begin to dance. I dance until it is as dark as it will ever be and the sky is littered with stars......

Let's dance naked at the edge of DAWN

Just about the time the shadows call,

I undress my mind and dare you to follow

Paint a portrait of your mystery

Only close my eyes and you are here with me....

Ever After

"Storybook endings, fairy tales coming true

Deep down inside we want to believe they still do

I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss

Oh, for ever ever after......"

KISS

Boring day and nothing to do, I went to the roofdeck and saw a couple in a loving embrace and was about to kiss. I felt a pang of jealousy, all of a sudden I felt so alone. Instead of making sketches of spongebob squarepants, I drew them instead. :)

Back to October

One gloomy day last October
I met this annoying stranger
"She's fat, she's ugly!!" is what he always say
You always annoy me but you also complete my day


For though I have not met you
Your earthly form not seen
I feel your soul within the words
Upon that magic screen



Where are you Mr Annoying??
I wonder how you are doing...